I really meant to rock 'n roll for every Tuesday in November, but then life happened & I didn't have a piece of art to share & so on & so on.
This past year has been incredibly unbelievable in so many ways. It really goes back further than that for Z & I, but that's not worth rehashing at this point. After going through the birthing process at such a premature stage for both myself & Kaia people (mainly medical professionals) would ask, "Are you ready to have another baby?" They weren't being pushy, they were being realistic that I (& Z) may not be mentally ready, but that our bodies would be physically doing their normal things.
When would we ever be mentally ready? Our first born, who was quite the surprise, broke our hearts in all the best ways. Kaia broke our hearts by being in my womb & making us grow in love for one another. Kaia broke our hearts the day she was born & we knew we could not force life on to her. Kaia broke our hearts in the memories & stories that we now hold so dearly. Kaia broke our hearts to be more raw, vulnerable, & giving. So much of what we do as a couple we do in honor or memory of Kaia. The reality is we would never be mentally ready for another baby & we knew it. We also felt, months ago, that the best way to honor Kaia was to make her a big sister.
We have no idea what the health of this rainbow baby will be or if it'll even prove to really be a rainbow. But we have hope, lots & lots of hope. We are filled with joy & fear all at the same time. While I found that I could barely hold the news in after finding out at such an early stage (week 4 or 5), when it actually came time to share the news I was very anxious. It wasn't worry about what people may think or say, it was the "what if" game that we so often do with ourselves. It was & is truly a relief to share the news of our rainbow baby & receive the support & prayers & silliness that comes with letting people know. It is another life & it is worth celebrating, just as we celebrate its big sister Kaia.
A lot of the last year has hurt emotionally, physically, & all around just hurt. And there will be more hurt in the future, but we have a choice to either let that bring us down or build us up & we choose to let it build us up. We look up for the rainbow.